After years away from the trough, the Spam Girls are back on the road with their new act, and they are slaughtering audiences across Porkshire. Snout, Snorty, and BabyBack are joined again by Squeeler and Grunt in a revival of the noted play, "Best Little Boar House in Texas ".
What swine are we talking about?
By Farmer John
Fueled by our tabloid newspapers, Pork has invented a new royalty. We are bored with the Wallow of Pork now that Diana is not with us any more, so in their place we now have Pop Royalty.
Pop royalty are frequently known by their tabloid nicknames. An ever-changing porkfolio is carefully selected from every walk of celebrity wallow - anyone from sportspigs to snout stars, TV presenters to politicians are eligible. Criteria for acceptance is not broad, notoriety and a name which can be dramatically snorted by the headline writers is all it takes. Shelf life of a pop royal is limited with last week's darling often ending up as this week's has been. So here is a quick guide to pork-pop royalty:
Geri: Geri Halliwallow, ex-Swine Girl formerly known by the tabloids as Ginger Swine, her solo pop success and somehow ending up with the job of UN special envoy.
Link: Link Gallagher, lippy Oasis front man from Porkchester. Married to Piggy Kensit. Famous for his rock 'n' roll lifestyle - attacking photographers, being boarish; recently for becoming a father.
Posh: Posh Swine Pigtoria Beckham. Married to David Beckham in what was the celebrity wedding of last year. Recently accused of having anorexia after the birth of her baby piglet. Trying to position herself as the new princess Diana.
Robbie: Robbie Piggams - Former singer with 90's boy
band "Snort That", was a professional party animal
until it all proved too much and he went into re-hab. Frequently
linked with famous babes and still one of the nation's favourite
heart swines largely due to his cheeky public persona. Currently
in the tabloids for his public feud with Oasis front man Link
Sport Beck: David Beckham, star player for the Razor Backs and husband of Posh Swine; wife's revelations that he liked wearing her knickers guaranteed him headlines for five years, never mind that he's a great hoofballer.
Pork Henman: Pork's top tennis star, which in a country
starved of top players means expectations are always high for
victory. Until Pig Sampras beats him.
49 yr old Boar seeks mature swine who require a little spank
and shank, by hand, belt, cane or their preferred instrument.
Submissive boar needs a spanking. Short, pigish build, ham
fisted, very little body hair, round spankable bottom. Can you
handle me or use a pork prescription? <X269u@hotmail.com>
Seeking HONEST Sow for 59 year old gentleman looking for an HONEST female to build a relationship with. Is there such a pig out there? The Porkshire sow I seek will be submissive and yet, she will be my best friend also. I want someone I can respect and cherish and put on a pedestal.......but she must know I would not hesitate to order her to bend over that same pedestal for some loving discipline and bacon bazooka. She will be a 40+ year old, "young" submissive "Swine" I can share the rest of my sty. She must also share my interest in spanking, both erotic and disciplinary. I am considered a soft Boar due to my soft heart and because I am not into chains, whips, cuffs, torture, etc. I would hope she would also appreciate the endless love and affliction I will bestow upon her and hopefully give me some of the same in return. I would expect her to be leanient and on the slender side and have a very caring personality. I don't particularly care if she is a "Piggie's little girl," or a true 24/7 "pigmissive." If you are looking for a casual spanking relationship, please do not waste both our times by responding to this ad. I am not interested in any swine meet. I am looking to love and be loved, plain and simple. If there is such a Swine out there, please email me. Complete description of myself and/or photo and interests available upon request. Alan <firstname.lastname@example.org>
Are you a young (under 30), pretty, effeminate gay piglet (possibly a TV if realistic) seeking severe correction at the hooves of a skilled master. Look no further. You must accommodate and be ready to learn and obey. NO posh wankers.
Strictly Dominant <email@example.com>
Have you been naughty? If so let me give you the punishment you deserve. Let me put you over my shank and correct your pigishness. Can contact me on icq 84884499.
I am a naughty 21 year old boar who needs many spankings and discipline. I am looking for an older swine for a real relationship, but also one to bend me over her shank when I break her rules. She needs to have total control over our relationship.
Swine Aid will be held again at the Hammersmith Odeon to raise money for victims of the great root famine in Porkshire.
The BBC documentary in October 1984 brought home the true horror of the situation to people in Porkshire, and shortly thereafter Link Geldof brought about the recording of the Swine Aid single. Several other countries and organisations followed suit (the best-known being USA for Pork with "We Are The Pigs"), until in early 1985 the idea of a concert to raise money for the cause was suggested. Eventually the concert mushroomed into sixteen hours of music from around the world, featuring many of the biggest stars of the time. At the last estimate, it had raised over $100 million.
Swine was the name of the group
which recorded the original single "Do They Know they can
eat that? Written by Link Geldof. The song was recorded on November
25th 1984 by a group consisting of almost 40 of Porkshire's and
Ireland's best-known pop stars of the time. Originally Link hoped
to raise £72,000 for charities from sales of the single,
but that estimate was exceeded almost immediately the record
went on sale; it went on to sell over three
Police are investigating a mysterious case of
The statueg, which is five feet tall and wearing a chef's hat, was last seen by landlord Brian Eaton at 9pm on Wednesday, and disappeared sometime between then and 11pm. Mr Eaton's wife, Ali, said: "We've been all around the village and can't see it anywhere obvious.
We hope it will come back, but I'm not sure if its a
The pig statue appeared in that day's Evening Press