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ARTS & ENTERTAINMENT

Spam Girls High on the Hog

After years away from the trough, the Spam Girls are back on the road with their new act, and they are slaughtering audiences across Porkshire. Snout, Snorty, and BabyBack are joined again by Squeeler and Grunt in a revival of the noted play, "Best Little Boar House in Texas ".

What swine are we talking about?

By Farmer John

Fueled by our tabloid newspapers, Pork has invented a new royalty. We are bored with the Wallow of Pork now that Diana is not with us any more, so in their place we now have Pop Royalty.

Pop royalty are frequently known by their tabloid nicknames. An ever-changing porkfolio is carefully selected from every walk of celebrity wallow - anyone from sportspigs to snout stars, TV presenters to politicians are eligible. Criteria for acceptance is not broad, notoriety and a name which can be dramatically snorted by the headline writers is all it takes. Shelf life of a pop royal is limited with last week's darling often ending up as this week's has been. So here is a quick guide to pork-pop royalty:

Geri: Geri Halliwallow, ex-Swine Girl formerly known by the tabloids as Ginger Swine, her solo pop success and somehow ending up with the job of UN special envoy.

Link: Link Gallagher, lippy Oasis front man from Porkchester. Married to Piggy Kensit. Famous for his rock 'n' roll lifestyle - attacking photographers, being boarish; recently for becoming a father.

Posh: Posh Swine Pigtoria Beckham. Married to David Beckham in what was the celebrity wedding of last year. Recently accused of having anorexia after the birth of her baby piglet. Trying to position herself as the new princess Diana.

Robbie: Robbie Piggams - Former singer with 90's boy band "Snort That", was a professional party animal until it all proved too much and he went into re-hab. Frequently linked with famous babes and still one of the nation's favourite heart swines largely due to his cheeky public persona. Currently in the tabloids for his public feud with Oasis front man Link Gallagher.

Liz Surley: Model/actress, and tabloid favourite. Famous for being famous and dating English actor Hugh Grunt.

Sport Beck: David Beckham, star player for the Razor Backs and husband of Posh Swine; wife's revelations that he liked wearing her knickers guaranteed him headlines for five years, never mind that he's a great hoofballer.

Pork Henman: Pork's top tennis star, which in a country starved of top players means expectations are always high for victory. Until Pig Sampras beats him.

Steve "Shagger" Norris: Tory candidate for Pork Mayor, notorious for a string of affairs and mistresses during his 30-year marriage.

 

Personal Ads

49 yr old Boar seeks mature swine who require a little spank and shank, by hand, belt, cane or their preferred instrument. <bottomwarmer@HOTMAIL.COM>


Submissive boar needs a spanking. Short, pigish build, ham fisted, very little body hair, round spankable bottom. Can you handle me or use a pork prescription? <X269u@hotmail.com>


Seeking HONEST Sow for 59 year old gentleman looking for an HONEST female to build a relationship with. Is there such a pig out there? The Porkshire sow I seek will be submissive and yet, she will be my best friend also. I want someone I can respect and cherish and put on a pedestal.......but she must know I would not hesitate to order her to bend over that same pedestal for some loving discipline and bacon bazooka. She will be a 40+ year old, "young" submissive "Swine" I can share the rest of my sty. She must also share my interest in spanking, both erotic and disciplinary. I am considered a soft Boar due to my soft heart and because I am not into chains, whips, cuffs, torture, etc. I would hope she would also appreciate the endless love and affliction I will bestow upon her and hopefully give me some of the same in return. I would expect her to be leanient and on the slender side and have a very caring personality. I don't particularly care if she is a "Piggie's little girl," or a true 24/7 "pigmissive." If you are looking for a casual spanking relationship, please do not waste both our times by responding to this ad. I am not interested in any swine meet. I am looking to love and be loved, plain and simple. If there is such a Swine out there, please email me. Complete description of myself and/or photo and interests available upon request. Alan <uprr@shore.intercom.net>

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Most Famous Painting of All

This summer the Guggenhamm Art Museum in Pork, will exhibit the world's most famous portrait. Linkanardo DaVinci's "Mona Piggy". Legends and song have followed this immortal smile throughout the centuries. The painting is on loan from the notable museum in Paris, The Hoove. Why Pork? Why not? We have always supported the arts and the new Guggenhamm is the perfect place for the infamous snouted smile of Mona Piggy to hang in the porktrait gallery for all Porkies to enjoy. Tickets are on sale at Pig and Whistle sties and troughs everywhere.

Below are some of the expected artiste exhibits upcoming:

CLICK ON ARTIST TO SEE PAINTINGS

Personal Ads
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Strictly Dominant <spanking@yours.com>


Have you been naughty? If so let me give you the punishment you deserve. Let me put you over my shank and correct your pigishness. Can contact me on icq 84884499.
Michael <mattm_71@hotmail.com>



I am a naughty 21 year old boar who needs many spankings and discipline. I am looking for an older swine for a real relationship, but also one to bend me over her shank when I break her rules. She needs to have total control over our relationship.
Dali Wanker<garbageman123@hotmail.com>

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swine Aid will be held again at the Hammersmith Odeon to raise money for victims of the great root famine in Porkshire.

The BBC documentary in October 1984 brought home the true horror of the situation to people in Porkshire, and shortly thereafter Link Geldof brought about the recording of the Swine Aid single. Several other countries and organisations followed suit (the best-known being USA for Pork with "We Are The Pigs"), until in early 1985 the idea of a concert to raise money for the cause was suggested. Eventually the concert mushroomed into sixteen hours of music from around the world, featuring many of the biggest stars of the time. At the last estimate, it had raised over $100 million.

Swine was the name of the group which recorded the original single "Do They Know they can eat that? Written by Link Geldof. The song was recorded on November 25th 1984 by a group consisting of almost 40 of Porkshire's and Ireland's best-known pop stars of the time. Originally Link hoped to raise £72,000 for charities from sales of the single, but that estimate was exceeded almost immediately the record went on sale; it went on to sell over three
million copies in Porkshire, becoming the best-selling record ever, and to raise over £8 million worldwide. Link was later indicted for fraud as he used most of the money to open up a production company in Camarillo, CA. He still resides their.

The Swines

Police are investigating a mysterious case of
pig-napping. The Mayor's statue has gone missing
from outside the Three Tuns at Raskelf, near
Easingwold.

The statueg, which is five feet tall and wearing a chef's hat, was last seen by landlord Brian Eaton at 9pm on Wednesday, and disappeared sometime between then and 11pm. Mr Eaton's wife, Ali, said: "We've been all around the village and can't see it anywhere obvious.

We hope it will come back, but I'm not sure if its a
prank or not. We have told the police." Mrs Eaton
said the pub would offer a reward of a free meal for
two for the mayor's safe return.

The pig statue appeared in that day's Evening Press
because Mr Eaton was inviting people to think of a
name for the swine.