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HEALTH

 IN SEARCH OF THE PERFECT PORK MARTINI
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WHY PORK?

The pork Martini serves many needs on many levels! In these promo days, when old formulas are reborn with futile twists for our fickle, fin-de-siècle tastes, the meat cocktail stands out above wobbly, cranberry-tainted attempts at bar trendiness. When one abandons the olive garnish for that of a pork-rind wedge, the pork Martini merges the flavors of the working class with
that of wealthier ones, bridging social strata. It has the humanitarian goal of bettering the nutrition of alcoholics, offering protein for those who prefer their lunches liquid: since meat digests longer, it will both inebriate and offer nutrients for longer
periods! It will open new markets to pork consumption, adding American jobs to every level of the meat-industrial complex. And, finally, it looks really weird.

THE INFUSION

To begin the quest, approximately three ounces each of:

Sweet dried pork (an excellent Chinese snack food), pan-sauteed ground pork (from the patty interior), boiled, sliced sweet Italian dinner sausage, and briefly sauteed Spam were steeped separately in approximately four ounces each of 100-proof Absolut vodka, in covered wine glasses, for up to two weeks. The pork patty and Spam were first sauteed till "done" in canola oil, which was tipped away early to avoid
influencing the taste of the meats. The dried pork, being the least permeable, was given a few extra days to infuse. Although gin makes the only true Martini, vodka was chosen as the less distracting base for the cocktails, especially for the sake of the sausage Martini, the fennel and cracked pepper of which might clash with the complex botanicals of gin.

And we say to all ye porkies who are game:

Here's mud in your snout!

 

 

Unexplained Pregnancies on the Rise

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc. After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant, and calls a vet for help.

The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination. The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will, instead, lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the
conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the pigs himself. So, he loads the pigs into his truck, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, has sex with each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day with them and, upon returning home, falls exhausted into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to
look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud.

"No," she says, "they're all in the truck.

 

 

 

 

IMPORTANT PRESS RELEASE:

Hospitals right across Wales are getting ready for a birth explosion this coming Xmas and are already trying to recruit extra medical staff to cope. "It is a worrying side effect of foot and mouth - with the countryside closed off and so many dead sheep, our women are bound to be getting a bit more attention," said Glyn Lloyd Jones of South Glamorgan Health Trust. The UWWL (Ugly Welsh Women's League) has reported that they are overjoyed with the situation and are campaigning for a stop to sheep-farming in Wales for good. "It's wonderful. All the women in our village are getting some at the moment", said a 55-year-old Welsh munnter.